I’ve been out for 5 months. Describing it as a whirlwind would be an understatement. No coming out story is the same. And coming out doesn’t end. It’s a constant journey I’m finding–you’re always telling your story, you’re always defending who you are, you’re always working to open people’s eyes. As the wise Katy Perry would say, “just because it’s over doesn’t mean it’s really over.”
In the last five months I came out. I moved out of my house. Went from seeing my daughter all the time to 3 days a week. I came out countless times to family, friends and strangers. I’ve been dumped. I’ve been ghosted on more than one occasion. I got in a car accident and totaled my car. I’ve been lonely and I’ve been lost.
But, in five months I salvaged the most important relationship in my life. I started living authentically. I’ve started to learn how to be okay not knowing what’s next. I started dating and while that could also go in the negative list, I put it in the positive list because I’m hopeful. I’m not afraid anymore. I smile more than I used to and when I do I can feel it exuding out of me. I’m happy being me. And for the first time in my life I’m proud of who I am.
Not bad for five months.
It’s been a journey and continues to be a journey. For me, music plays such an integral role in my life. I am never not listening to music. It starts with my Sonos in the morning, music in the car, headphones on all day at work, headphones at the gym… Music while I’m happy, sad, cleaning, cooking, working out. I don’t do anything without music.
Growing up I always thought it would be fun to create soundtracks for movies. I have playlists for every mood. I know exactly what song I want to listen to at any given moment to help me process feelings, get work done, break a sweat, etc.
So for me, music has been something I’ve really relied on these past five months. I created a playlist that’s full of the most random songs when put together but each played a really important part of my journey these past few months.
Head Above Water by Avril Lavigne
I know, it’s so dramatic. But this is a song that describes how I felt prior to coming out. It felt like I was drowning and struggling to keep it all together. I was in a very dark place. I listen to this song to remind me how far I’ve come and how blessed I am that I’m not in that place anymore.
Light On by Maggie Rogers
This song makes me tear up every single time I listen to it. My ex wife had me listen to this song the day after I came out. We were obviously still figuring everything out but it gave me hope that she understood me. It describes how I felt at times. I had the perfect life and so many amazing blessings. And everyone would talk about how happy I must be. But I never felt fully whole. For me, this song speaks to that.
Let You Love Me by Rita Ora
I entered into a confusing relationship way too soon after coming out. I didn’t handle anything at that time in a healthy way. It was like I was running scared and looking for somewhere safe to be. This song was one I listened to a lot during that time and it takes me right back but it’s also come to evolve as I have over the last few months.
Cry Wolf by Luna Shadows
I love this song. I’ve learned in a relatively short period of time how confusing dating is. Guys say one thing, do another. Say one thing and mean another. It’s been really hard to find anyone who’s open and vulnerable. I’ve been burned already by three different guys in five months and this song is one that helped me get to a better place with that.
Touching Heaven by Johnnyswim
My ex wife had me listen to this song in the context of our daughter. And she truly is like touching heaven. She’s so perfect and has been our guiding light in figuring everything out. Without her, I don’t think we’d have worked so hard on our own relationship and I’m so thankful we have.
Dancing On My Own by Robyn
I heard this song the night of my car accident and it’s been stuck in my head ever since. And equally important is the Calum Scott, Tiësto remix version. It’s amazing!
True Colors (feat. Maya Avedis) by XO Cupid
My car accident was bad. I fell asleep in a canyon road and flew 500 feet off the road into brush. I flipped my car and landed on the driver side. When the car came to a stop and everything was pitch black this song was still playing through my car speakers. I think it was a wake up call for me to a certain extent. I was still uncomfortable with who I was and laying in the dark, airbags deployed listening to this song was surreal.
Forever On Your Side (with Johnnyswim) by NEEDTOBREATHE
I dedicate this song to my ex wife, Melissa. She is a truly amazing human being. I’m tearing up just writing this. I don’t think I’ll ever get to fully describe our relationship but we have so much love for each other. And our relationship in the last five months has grown to be something I never thought possible–it’s even deeper than the ten years prior if that’s possible. I’m a lucky man. She’s my safe space. My partner in raising an amazing daughter. She’s my best friend. She deserves absolutely every happiness in this world. I love you Mel.
Real Love by Carly Rae Jepsen
I mean this whole album is amazing; have you heard Want You In My Room?! This song is sort of sad, sort of happy, sort of hopeful. It’s dating in a nutshell it seems.
The Bones by Maren Morris
Again, to bring it back to my ex wife. We’re lucky to have a stable relationship with a good foundation that even something as truly monumental as me coming out didn’t break us. The bones are good and we’ll rebuild.
Multiplied by NEEDTOBREATHE
A guy I was dating sent me this song when were still dating and it’s just stuck with me. It’s inspiring and hopeful and just what I needed at the time.
You Need To Calm Down by Taylor Swift
Say what you want about Taylor Swift just don’t say it to me unless it’s positive. She’s an ally and using her platform to reach a very large audience. Not only does she specifically address issues that the LGBTQ+ community deals with within her music, but she is calling for actual political change. For me, it came at a time when I had finally decided to be proud of who I was and to not be afraid of what that meant.
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