7 Things I’ve Learned This Last Year

Today is my 33rd birthday. I remember turning 21 thinking I knew everything. I’m happy to be thirty three and realize I don’t know anything. I mean, that’s not entirely true I suppose, but I’m much more aware that I am nowhere near knowing everything I thought I knew back then.

I think in our twenties we try to hold on to something we can control. We usually have recently just come into some level of independence and feel like it’s our time to be an adult. So we pretend to know everything because it gives us a sense of comfort. But in our thirties we realize that we know nothing–we have learned that every time we think we have a handle on things, the universe decides to teach us another lesson. That’s another sign… We also refer to times when our life implodes as lessons.

Now, if you’re into numerology at all, you will know that 33 is a master number (11 and 22 are also master numbers). But of all the master numbers, 33 is said to be the “master teacher”. This means that it’s a number that means you’ve experienced enough that you are able to pass on wisdom to others. I do not personally feel wise, but I do feel like there are things I’ve learned in my years. But, for the sake of not boring you to death, I’ll keep it to things that I feel like I’ve really begun to understand in this last year.

The Importance of Gratitude

This one has really been an amazing thing to learn. The thing with gratitude is that it is impossible not to feel good when you think about things or people you are grateful for. If you don’t believe me, try it. Text someone you are grateful for and let them know. You will feel happy.

Regardless of my belief on gratitude, it’s been proven that expressing gratitude, whether outright or in private, can improve you physical health, mental health and even the equality of your sleep. When I’m going through a particularly difficult time, I write a few things I’m grateful for down before bed. It helps me keep things in perspective.

Be grateful. There is always someone struggling more than you and even if you are just grateful for your next breath, that is something to acknowledge.

The Importance of Good People

Surrounding myself with good people has been such a blessing. And it happened on accident. I have a small, but amazing group of people around me that just get me. That’s something I didn’t realize the importance of fully until this year. To go through rough days at work, rough mental health days, breakups, parenting mistakes, arguments with family… Whatever it may be. To have people you can turn to and say, fuck, am I right? is a godsend.

My friends, family, boyfriend… Hell, my ex wife and I talk five times a day and share our dating/relationship stories. Relationships of all kinds take work but damn are they worthwhile.

Invest in your people. Find them and never let them go. If you mess something up with them, fix it. Hold them close and cherish them always.

The Importance Of Accepting Imperfections

This is a difficult one. We all feel comfortable saying the words, oh, well you know I’m not perfect… but do we actually understand what that means. It means that we are going to make mistakes. We don’t know the right way to handle things. I don’t know how to be a perfect dad, a perfect friend, a perfect son, a perfect boyfriend… We do not know how to be perfect because we are not perfect and we don’t need to be either.

Just simply relieving myself of this unattainable goal to be perfect has been cathartic. I can accept my mistakes and communicate them and grow from them. That’s been the most important lesson in my relationships this year.

You are not perfect and nobody needs you to be. They just need to know that your heart’s in the right place and see your willingness to grow.

The Importance of Self Care

This one seems like such a given these days… We all need to take time for ourselves. And I think so many of us, at least I do, look at self care as a little selfish. I think I grew up thinking that taking time for me was a selfish act–that any attention on me and what I needed was rude. And that’s just simply not the case.

Put on a mask, pour a glass of wine, watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 5 Reunion for the 9th time… because OMG that Amsterdam fight takes up space rent-free in my brain.

But I’ve also found that setting boundaries is an important piece of self care. I tend to be go-go-go and then I fall apart–I get exhausted, overwhelmed, irritable and resentful. Setting boundaries has been something I’ve learned is important for me to protect myself, but more importantly, protect my relationships with other people.

If I’m too tired to go out, I need to stay in. If I’m too overwhelmed to take on that person’s problem, I tell them. That is not selfish. That is an act of love to both yourself and those close to you.

The Desire to be Loved

Oh if my therapist could only read this (maybe she is… hey Danielle!)… It took me until I was 32 years old to really embrace that I want to be loved. When I met my boyfriend I was afraid of how much we liked each other. I thought for sure it was a trick or a mistake. So I fought off my feelings because, nobody could just love me… Especially if I loved them.

But wouldn’t you know it? He loves me. Me and all my flaws. Me and my imperfect self. I don’t really get it still, but the thing it’s taught me is that I want to be loved. I want someone to want me. And that’s okay.

We all deserve to love and be loved.

The Power of a Hug

This one is simple but it’s taken me a while. There are times when I’m super anxious or sad or mad and I’ve learned in those moments to ask for a hug. Scientifically a hug can actually help reduce anxiety and stress. It’s the pressure on your body–it overwhelms your central nervous system and causes it to relax.

There is something so powerful in a hug. Not just a side hug or a quick hug… but a true hug. It relaxes me and just knowing that I have that in my back pocket is amazing. I oftentimes find myself asking my boyfriend or friends for a hug. I know what I need in those moments and what I need is a hug.

As for hugs. Give hugs freely. They can truly change everything.

The Importance of Relinquishing Control

I used to always have a plan. Go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, have a kid… I thought it was good to be a planner. But attempting to have that sort of control over the universe didn’t get me anywhere. I’ve learned over time to relinquish my need to control situations. My desire to control things makes me resentful and angry because it’s just me trying to control all of these things that aren’t in my power.

Letting the universe guide me has been relaxing. When things go bad, I accept that this is what’s meant to be. When things work out well, I’m grateful. The universe has never let me down. Things always work out the way they’re meant to–that is something I believe definitively. The minute I stopped trying to control the outcomes of situations is the moment I could finally breathe.